The Hardest Goodbye of All
by Color With Marker
Summary: The original "Goodbye Love". Mark doesn't want Roger to leave him. Simple Marker fluff.


Mark couldn't believe this. This whole month had been disastrous. Roger told him that he had planned on leaving the Alphabet City to live in Santa Fé. He blamed Mimi for this; had she not cheated on Roger with Benny, he wouldn't be going. Roger _was_ supposed to leave last week, but that was before Angel went to the hospital. He died, and so did a little part of the Bohemians. Roger stayed behind for the funeral, but after the fight that had erupted among Roger and Mimi and Maureen and Joanne, he was trying to get away as fast as he could.

But Roger couldn't go. There was no way Roger could go. He was his best friend. They've been together for years now, sticking up for one another. They made fun of each other constantly. "For someone cool, you're a fool," Roger would say. Then Mark would retort, "Mr. Negative, because he's HIV positive!" They laughed together, they cried together, they lived together. And here was Roger, running away from his problems. Mark couldn't let that happen.

Even though they were best friends, Mark hid one secret from Roger. He was in love with him. It was an undying infatuation of his roommate. He would try his hardest to go out to every Well Hungarians performance at CBGB when the band was together. He held Roger close to him and sung to him softly, stroking his dyed blonde hair while he was going through withdrawal. And he was very close to having Roger get over April's suicide... until Mimi waltzed through the door, asking for him to light his candle. And the S&M dancer toyed with Roger's heart. Mark wanted to tell Roger that he deserved better, that he deserved true love, that Mark deserved him after all that they've been through.

But it was too late now. He could only say goodbye.

"I hear there are great restaurants out West," Mark said, trying to keep his best friend around a little longer.

"Some of the best," Roger replied. "How could she?"

"How could you let her go?" _Without giving her a nice smack to the face_. Mark was becoming excited when Roger lifted his hand, ready to strike the girl, until Collins came along and shoved him away from her.

"You just don't know." He watched Roger's skinny form shake. "How could we lose Angel?"

"Maybe you'll see why if you face up to your pain," Mark said. "At least now if you try, Angel's death won't be in vain-"

"His death is in vain!" Roger snapped. Mark was taken aback by this. Thank God Collins wasn't around to hear that.

"Use your right brain!" he cried. Angel's death wasn't in vain; it was a sign that one day, Roger would be in that coffin. And Mark would stand over it, crying over his true love. "There's so much to care about," he tried again. "There's me, there's Mimi-"

"Mimi's got her baggage too," Roger said quietly.

"So do you!"

"I don't know what I am. What I know, what to do..."

"Who does?" Mark asked.

"Oh God Mark, don't you?" Roger cried. Mark shook his head.

"'Mark has got his work,'" he said. The painful words his friends have said a thousand times before. "They say, 'Mark lives for his work,' and 'Mark's in love with his work.'" Mark was only in love with Roger. "Mark hides in his work!"

"From what?" Roger asked gently.

"From facing my failure," Mark answered. He felt tears falling down his pale cheeks. He hated facing the truth. "Facing my loneliness. Facing the fact I live a lie."

He does. He pretends to constantly chase after his ex-girlfriend-turned-dyke Maureen when all he wants to do with crawl into Roger's bed and make him scream his name for all of Avenue B to hear.

"You don't live a lie," Roger said modestly. "Tell you why. You never finish your film 'cause the standards you set for yourself are too high." Mark's standards weren't too high. He just had trouble getting decent footage of anyone but Roger, who was in nearly three-fourths of what he had recorded. "But the fact remains that you're the one of us with the talent and the drive. The fact remains, Mark, you're the one of us to survive."

Mark let out a sob. He didn't want to admit to it, but a few years from now, he'd be alone with none of his friends around. They were all going to die of AIDS. There'd just be Benny who he hated, and his parents, who cut him off.

"I know," he cried. "I'm afraid the burden's gonna make me crack." He voice cracked at the last word.

"If it does let me know," Roger said softly. "I'll come back."

_Don't go then. I'm already cracking now._

"Why's it easier to return to a friend than to burn with a lover till the end?"

"Not as much to lose," Roger answered.

Mark didn't know he'd said that out loud.

"Mimi still loves Roger," he continued. He hated that too. "Mimi's just with Benny because Mimi's really weak."

"Mimi did look pale..."

"Mimi's gotten thin! Mimi's running out of time! Roger's running out the door!"

As much as Mark felt bad for thinking this, but since Mimi was most likely the next one of them to die from the deadly virus, then he'd have Roger all to himself.

"No more!" Roger cried. "Oh no! I've gotta go."

"Anything you need in Santa Fé?" Mark asked.

"I'll be fine," Roger answered. He turned and smirked at his best friend. "Make your film."

_You're the star already._

"Okay," he answered. As Roger began walking away, he took two steps forward and before he could stop himself, called out, "Love you."

Roger froze and looked back with a pained expression. Mark felt like smacking himself in the face. He couldn't believe that he had just said that.

"Call," he said quickly, trying to cover up for his slip up.

Soon, two strong arms were wrapped around Mark.

"Love you too," Roger whispered into Mark's ear. Mark swore he felt two chapped lips press to his temple. Roger pulled away and smiled.

"I hate the fall."


End file.
